Are You Half Grown & Half Awake?

While studying for my finals I came across the phrase of 'half grown and half awake'... I won't bore you with the details. I just could not resist to draw the parallels between this theory and what the Holy Spirit was speaking in my heart.

In this theory are eight assumptions. I noted the first as such: “Our usual state of mind is significantly underdeveloped, uncontrolled and dysfunctional”; with my Jesus-lenses it looked like this: Our usual state of spiritual health is significantly underdeveloped (due to lack of church attendance & bible reading), uncontrolled (sinning), and dysfunctional (suffering & conviction due to lifestyle not being in congruence with your beliefs).

When I got deeper in the theory I got the half grown bit and I thought about how some of us Christians are, for lack of better words, half baked. :) If they are sufficiently blessed or blessed “just enough”, then they never strive for more. They tithe the minimum, volunteer only when the “need” is expressed and never stretch their faith. They live on the bare minimum, never trying or even being aware of the next level which God desires all of us to be at.

God is always calling us to do more, to “step up” to that next level with him, not just so that we can reap the benefits and blessings, but so that we can be a blessing to others. In case you didn’t know, God is a show off, he loves to prove himself and demonstrate his awesomeness. However, if we as Christians don’t step up and prepare the stage for Him to show up, then how can He be glorified? I know I don't want to be half awake, half blessed, half living, half portion... I want all that God has in store for me, and I in turn want to be all He imagined and created me for. What about you?

I am alive

I know this because I awoke in so much pain today. But I still thank God for waking me up. It was a gorgeous morning, bright and chilly. It was the kind of cold that if you stay in the shadows can bring you down but if you stand with God in the brightness of his love it can warm you even when the world is so cold. The pain causes me to wince and maybe shed a tear or two, but I recall that God collects my tears and that I don't cry in vain. I recall a song I heard this morning detailing how even when we are broken we are still in His hands. I lean on that promise and not on this pain. I depend on His love and I draw from His well for relief.

Death really makes you think

With the recent death of my grandfather, I realized many things; one being how little I knew of him. I knew the facts like date of birth, name, height, health disorders... but I never knew his favorite food, music, thoughts... absolutely nothing. He was a man of few words but his eyes hinted at deep thoughts. I should have asked him what he thought when he would stare while sitting in his porch swing, but I didn't. His gait was unmistakable with the jingle of keys he always had at his waist. I never knew what he looked like without a hat until he was in the coffin. I never knew what he thought of me aside from his short remark of "how sweet" I was. I never knew if he knew of the trouble I had caused or that I stole mangos from his backyard. He never gave away if he know about my brother sneaking behind the house to smoke. He was so passive, I never saw him mad or upset. He never raised his voice, not ever, but then again that might have been because my grandmother spoke for the both of them. I am now left with many unanswered questions and I grieve that loss. I rejoice that he is reunited with my grandmother, I am not sure if he is happy about that or not, but all the same he is freed from his sickly body and is eternally at peace (I hope). Grandpa, I am sorry for not spending as much time as I should have with you. Please know that I loved you in my own reserved way and forgive me if I don't please you. I pray that you rest in peace. Don't let Grandma give you too much hell.

The End of the Road

Why does the end seem so harsh and unforgiving? It seems as if the closer you get to your goal the harder and farther away it seems. Curses fly at you like daggers, ill intentions are around every corner and life itself seems to want to devour me. Why? Is that why so many people fail? Where can I find comfort and rest? How do I keep from giving up? The goal seems less and less attainable and even less attractive. God, please give me the stregnth to endure. Grant me rest when I close my eyes and peace in my waking hours. This I pray in your name. Amen.

Wise words from a child

Right before bed as I tucked her in I kissed my daughter and smiled. "I am glad I am girl", she said. I looked at her and wondered what she meant. Being a woman is hard work. As mothers we support and provide for our families with out words of appreciation and only one day per year for recognition. We spend long hours in labor, we wash, cook, clean, manage books, help with homework, give words of encouragement and do not get financial compensation for our labor. In the workforce we face discrimination, we get paid less than a man for doing the same if not more work, we are harrassed for being the "weaker" sex or for being attractive. Either way we go about it, we fall short of someone's measure. Why would this child be glad to be a girl? I love her for who she is and she is beautiful, inside and out, but what possessed her to utter those words? My face must have expressed the confusion I felt. She continued, "As a girl, I get to have children." I nodded, yes. "I get to accept God's most precious gift". My heart fell, for in a moment I had complained about the woes of motherhood, while not even seeing the blessings that come with that title. I only saw the labor, but not the fruit. "You are right, Sweetie". I kissed her again and saw God smiling behind her eyes. How could I doubt my God. Thank you for her and all our children. Thank you for your daily reminders of your unconditional love. Thank you.

 

Baby Grace

I am once again captivated and at the same time mortified by the Baby Grace case. My heart and soul hurt so terribly for a child I have only known through pictures. All my knowledge and wisdom still does not bring me to any conclusion to comprehend this horrific crime. I know why people steal, I know why people lie, and I have even accepted certain reasons for committing rapes and murders. I can even accept the theories as to why pedophiles are attracted to children. However I cannot come up with any logical justification or mental illness which would explain the death of Riley Ann Sawyers. I pray to God for understanding of this and similar crimes and I hear nothing back. I know I may not be mother of the year, I know I lose my cool sometimes, I have raised my voice and I have also been guilty of striking my child in anger and/or frustration. But this? This is extreme, unacceptable, inhumane, insane, and barbaric. This is truly madness. My mind races to find an excuse, an answer, a trigger, a cause. I can only cry and ask God to bring me peace, to give me the words to explain this to my own child, to calm me during this horrible time. I know I am a sensitive person and this case has become a bit personal to me. I don't know why. I wish I could be detached and not care. And if I care, I wish I could at least feel anger, but I can't. God won't let me. I feel numb. I can't be angry, because I am still searching for an answer that will not come until I am face to face with my Lord. I suppose all I can ask for is patience and peace. Lord, bring me peace. I know she is now among your angels. I just wish she had gone in her sleep and not at the hands of monsters.

Feeling like Jesus

There are very few days I can honestly say that I felt like Jesus. I don't mean in the literal way, such as feeding thousands; although I did feed some very hungry friends of mine the other day. That doesn't count. I mean, in the sense of carrying a burden, a heavy load and having spectators watch and not offer help. I think a few might have even been laughing. I went to IKEA for the semi-annual blue moon sale and bought some much needed furniture. In case you have never shopped there... everything is packaged in thin, heavy boxes, and in case you don't know what I drive, no it's not a flat bed, but rather a sedan. So there I was trying to maneuver these 60 pound boxes into my car, and yes it was comical, just not to me. Finally after about 20 minutes with no help, I somehow managed (with the grace of God) to not curse and yet get it in there. Yes, I prayed and grunted and pulled my rotator cuff. When I got home I managed to get it out and into the apartment. Yes! Success... or so I thought. Now I got to feeling like Jesus all over again. Granted I didn't have to cut the tree down and cut it into planks, but I still had to assemble the furniture. So I was, in my little world, for 1 hour, a carpenter. And thoughts of Jesus crossed my mind. I wondered how many times he must have ran his hand across wood, and if he ever wanted to curse when he got a splinter in his hand. I wondered if he had an image of what his creations would look like when they were finished. I wondered if that was how he thought of us: his creations, his little projects. My mind drifted back to the labor of getting the material home and I wondered if that was how he felt when he carried his cross? Did he feel like cursing too when people laughed, jeered and spat at him? How his heart must have broken to see his beloved creations laughing at him as he walked to Calvary. I wondered if he ever regretted his sacrifice, and about that time I sat up and looked at my new furniture all put together, just like the picture on the box. I had to smile and know that God did not regret what he suffered for me and for all humanity. He smiles everytime he looks at me and you. Becuase we are on our way to looking like the final image he imagined.

Where did 2008 go?

I was a bit startled when 2008 ended. It had a brutal ending, yet I almost didn't realize it. It snuck out the back door so quietly that I didn't even get to do my annual self analysis. Time really got away from me. But if I had the chance to recap it and note the most memorable moments... this would be it:

• My precious girl began playing the violin.
• She out grew 2 violins and 2 shoe sizes in 12 months, can you say growth spurt?
• I discovered just how important my Spanish was and just how pitiful I sounded... needless to say I took a few courses and have polished up.
• I finished my first short story. I was really pleased with this. :)
• My precious was in her first beauty pagent and was first runner up.
• She did excellent in both her Spring and Winter recitals.
• She obtained scholarships for private school and music school.
• I learned to eat for nourishment and not as a bad habit.
• My baby started losing her teeth! I nearly cried about this.
• I attended my 10 year reunion and survived!
• I learned to eat alone at a restaurant.
• I went on a date with myself.
• I managed to "ruin" my daughter's life 5 times and yet was nominated for the "bestest mother of the world" award.
• I was promoted yet again at my job and despite the economy being what it was, I still got a raise. Yes, God is on my side.

God has always been there and I know he always will. 2009 will be a great year, I have no doubt about that. There are several milestones I will reach that will mark this year as unique and full of accomplishments for my self and my family. I thank God for what he did in 2008 and I look forward to 2009!