Bitter Rain

After a day of hard work, I head off to school. It is raining and slighlty chilly. I get a little wet running to the building which houses my class and not to mention I am late. As I enter the class the professor gives me a sort of bemused look as if saying, "oh she is late again". Yet she cannot complain because I am the most outspoken person in class and I have a great grade. What can I say, I do know how to keep my head above water.
But today, it was raining and my head got wet anyway, I was feeling rather bad. As class ended I once again ran, to my car this time. And as I got inside I shook my head to shake the water drops off my messy head. I locked the doors (after all one cannot be too safe now a days). And I turned the car on. I turned the wipers on and then the radio. As I pulled away from the campus it began to rain harder. And on the radio was a sappy holiday song, as it ended, the on air personality comes on and introduces a guest who has called in with a lovely thanksgiving story. It turned out to be a tale of romance and of how her love proposed to her at the dinner table with her family looking on. It was sickening and I quickly changed the channel only to be frustrated that there was nothing better on, so I shut it off. And as I idly drove on I began to wonder why it bothered me so much that this stranger was proposed to. Why should I care?
And then it hit me, it bothered me becuase I know that no one will ever be so considerate as to propose in such a manner, because I know I will not get a second chance at love, because I know that no one will ever love me for me, and that is why I sat there embittered in the rain in my car, on my mundane drive home. How pathetic is that?

So...

So my life is a never ending battle with set backs. Why this, why that? My life never can be at peace with even one aspect of life. There is constant drama, is that how everyone's life is? Am I dreaming of an impossibility? I don't want riches, fame or time to stand still. All I ask is for a little corner of the world for me, where I can be the boss and everything to just be still, quiet, peaceful. I just want a space for me and my obsessive thoughts, is that too much to ask? Aparently so. *sigh* Such is life. I find myself repeating that phrase often, "such is life". Maybe I should get that tattooed somewhere to remind myself that I am so insignificant and what I say or do affects no one but me. *sigh* How pitiful is this?

Blessing

When I see so much evil in the world I begin to question God's goodness. I begin to question how he can let such things happen to innocent people.
And then... I see your face, your dazzling smile, your radiant eyes, I hear your pure laughter... and I realize that as long as I have that small blessing, which is you, I know not to question God.
For he has made my life complete by placing you in my arms, by giving me your smiles, by giving me your love.
And then I am at peace one more.

Solitude

Solitude is my friend. It is like an emptiness that enfolds me. The kind of void like an empty room. I love to hear my footsteps echo. I especially love to sing in an empty room and hear my voice bounce off the walls and high ceiling, as if it were singing to itself. Solitude gives me the silence that I need to think, to create, to write. Solitude gives me the space to explore my mind and my dreams. To figure out what to do next. What to plan and how to live. Solitude is a friend of mine that rarely comes to visit, but is always very welcomed.

Another day...

Another day has gone.
Another line etched on my face.
Another battle with time, lost.
Another opportunity to be happy has passed me by.
And yet, here I remain, unbothered by that.
The lines, time, and opportunities will have another go at me tomorrow.
For now, I just have to breath, take it all in.
I just have to think of how I must do it all over again;
how I must smile and hide my tears,
how I must please everyone but me,
how I must spend my precious time on people so unworthy of it.
Only to give the scraps leftover to the only deserving person of all.
And all she gets is the tired remains of my day.
And yet she is happy and grateful for those sacred moments we share.
It saddens me... that she is satisfied with so little,
and I cannot offer her any more than that.

To my love

To the one who has always been there...
To the one who loves me just as I am...
To the one who is worthy of my heart and soul...
To the one who listens to my thoughts...
To the one who is fair and wise...
To the one who I can talk to anytime...
To the one who is still here for me now...
To the one who is almighty...
To the one who was and is and always will be...
To the one who died for me...
To the one who I love with all that I have...
To the one savior of my life.

In search of something great

As I awake from a restless slumber I recall why I am here. She stirs beside me and calls me. She is thirsty and wants a glass of water. So up I go in search for my slippers and then down the hall to the kitchen. I search for a glass, first in the cabinets and then on the rack. Finally I locate one in the dishwasher. I rinse it and place it on the counter as I open the ice box. I search for the pitcher of cold water. I pour some in the clean glass about two-thirds full. And place the pitcher back in the ice box. I turn off the light and head back to the bedroom. She is asleep again. I sigh and place the glass of cold water on the bed stand. I am now fully awake, unable to find sleep. So I search for a book in my bag. Yes, that one with the red dust cover, that's the unfinished one I look for. I take it and head back down the hall, but this time towards the couch in the living room. I turn on the lamp and sit down for the remainder of the dark morning. I read and search within the confines of my thoughts. I search and as my breathing slows and becomes rhythmic I find it. I find what I have searched for all night. I find peace. And all is well again.

To be...

To be silent
To be scared.
To be alone.
To be blind.
To be broken.
To be numb.
To be bitter.
To be lost.
To be empty.
This is to be me.

All in a smile...

All in a smile I hide all my pain.
I pretend it does not hurt and I wipe my tears away.
All in a smile I hide my past.
I pull my sleeves down and hide my scars.
All in a smile I hide my fears.
I shrug away a shiver and put on a brave front.
All in a smile I hide my thoughts.
I keep my mind open and yet close my heart.
All in a smile I hide my self.
So you see what you want, but never have what you need.
All in a smile...

A little welcome.

So you find yourself in a beautiful house. But it's empty. You wander from room to room and yet there is no sign of life, no furniture, no curtains... only the smell of fresh paint. "Hmm," you think to yourself. Must be a model home. That would be me. You walk over to the french doors that lead out to the back yard, a spacious, grass-covered back yard and you glance out one of the many windows and you think you hear laughter. That would be me, laughing at you. You open the door, step outside and take a deep breath in. You feel good. The breeze blows and the hair on the back of your neck stands. That would be me, tickling you. You turn quickly around and see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing. That would be me, abandoning you. You go back the way you came and eventually leave the empty house. As you close the door you shake your head and you wonder where I am. You wonder what is missing. You wonder what you need. But I am still not there. I am never there. I am only in your head. You are really insane. Get a life.