Blissful Bills

Yup, you know what I am talking about. Those wonderful pieces of paper that fill your mailbox. Those phone calls at 7 pm just as you sit down for dinner. The only people that will actually miss you if you wind up in the hospital or better yet, die. BILLS! We need the lights on, we need running water, cable, internet (God forbid that get cut off), transportation (in my case, a lovely silver Malibu), the essential... cell phone oh and let's not forget the roof over this lovely raven head. Yeah, bills. It's a funny thing really, cause the other day as I finished making all my online payments, my checking account when from happily full to dreadfully empty... all in about 15 minutes. Yet, as I stared the miserable amount of money in my account, I had to smile. Because I paid my bills and my account was not in the negative. I felt for once so accomplished. I was very proud of myself, even if no one else was. I had spent my hard earned money on something other than myself. Granted those commodities were for me and my beloved but I didn't blow my paycheck, I spent it! And that felt very good. Yay for me!

A year has passed

This day a year ago, my paternal grandmother took her last breath and joined our Creator. With my father at her side, she passed on in the comfort of her home. 3 days later she was buried. All of her grandchildren and many of her great-grand children were present, all but me. I did not make the 350 mile drive to pay my respects. When they called me and told me that she had passed I did not cry. I can't explain my stoic behavior. But she was an odd woman. Not very maternal, not very kind, and certainly not loving towards me. I realize that her behavior towards me does not excuse my absence at her "going away" party.

However, this weekend I visited my grandmother's house. I sat in her rocking chair and thought of her. I sat in the porch where she so often sat in the early mornings or late afternoons as old folks do. I even caught myself remembering the feel of her hands. The wrinkled skin and claw like nails. I remember her watery cataract eyes. I recalled how she would always compliment my features, by comparing me to my mother; which was not a compliment coming from her, but rather an insult. I recalled that she had promised me a ring; which was never found. I also remember how she read my palm when I was 11 years old. I recalled many things about her. And as I wandered from room to room, I almost expected to hear her shuffling steps, her under the breath murmurings, and her constant clearing of throat. But they never came, her ghost paid me no visit and I returned home. I was reassured that she was not angry at me for not attending her funeral and relieved that she had indeed passed on and was not lingering in the house.

I am sorry Grandma. May you rest in peace.

Dedicated to Amelia Pena Lucio

Where is my mini me? She completes me!

Being a busy person such as me, quiet time is often a luxury. It does not come easy. But today, or rather these last few days have been full of quiet solitude. But unlike the quiet time that I often wish to share with my beloved, this unsettling silence has tortured me. For I am alone, without that blessed soul which completes me. There is no small face to look upon. There is no small whispering under the covers. There are no questions, no toys out of place, no ruffled covers on her bed. Everything is in its’ place and I don’t like it. I think I would rather have the hum of the TV, the crayons on the floor, dominos on the table, toys in the bathroom sink. I would rather have all that and have my angel with me. I know I can’t live without her, but 2 days is too much. I hate being without my baby. I feel so incomplete. Busy Moms always pray for quiet time, but when we have it we feel out of place, out of element. Now I know why. :(