Baby Grace

I am once again captivated and at the same time mortified by the Baby Grace case. My heart and soul hurt so terribly for a child I have only known through pictures. All my knowledge and wisdom still does not bring me to any conclusion to comprehend this horrific crime. I know why people steal, I know why people lie, and I have even accepted certain reasons for committing rapes and murders. I can even accept the theories as to why pedophiles are attracted to children. However I cannot come up with any logical justification or mental illness which would explain the death of Riley Ann Sawyers. I pray to God for understanding of this and similar crimes and I hear nothing back. I know I may not be mother of the year, I know I lose my cool sometimes, I have raised my voice and I have also been guilty of striking my child in anger and/or frustration. But this? This is extreme, unacceptable, inhumane, insane, and barbaric. This is truly madness. My mind races to find an excuse, an answer, a trigger, a cause. I can only cry and ask God to bring me peace, to give me the words to explain this to my own child, to calm me during this horrible time. I know I am a sensitive person and this case has become a bit personal to me. I don't know why. I wish I could be detached and not care. And if I care, I wish I could at least feel anger, but I can't. God won't let me. I feel numb. I can't be angry, because I am still searching for an answer that will not come until I am face to face with my Lord. I suppose all I can ask for is patience and peace. Lord, bring me peace. I know she is now among your angels. I just wish she had gone in her sleep and not at the hands of monsters.

Feeling like Jesus

There are very few days I can honestly say that I felt like Jesus. I don't mean in the literal way, such as feeding thousands; although I did feed some very hungry friends of mine the other day. That doesn't count. I mean, in the sense of carrying a burden, a heavy load and having spectators watch and not offer help. I think a few might have even been laughing. I went to IKEA for the semi-annual blue moon sale and bought some much needed furniture. In case you have never shopped there... everything is packaged in thin, heavy boxes, and in case you don't know what I drive, no it's not a flat bed, but rather a sedan. So there I was trying to maneuver these 60 pound boxes into my car, and yes it was comical, just not to me. Finally after about 20 minutes with no help, I somehow managed (with the grace of God) to not curse and yet get it in there. Yes, I prayed and grunted and pulled my rotator cuff. When I got home I managed to get it out and into the apartment. Yes! Success... or so I thought. Now I got to feeling like Jesus all over again. Granted I didn't have to cut the tree down and cut it into planks, but I still had to assemble the furniture. So I was, in my little world, for 1 hour, a carpenter. And thoughts of Jesus crossed my mind. I wondered how many times he must have ran his hand across wood, and if he ever wanted to curse when he got a splinter in his hand. I wondered if he had an image of what his creations would look like when they were finished. I wondered if that was how he thought of us: his creations, his little projects. My mind drifted back to the labor of getting the material home and I wondered if that was how he felt when he carried his cross? Did he feel like cursing too when people laughed, jeered and spat at him? How his heart must have broken to see his beloved creations laughing at him as he walked to Calvary. I wondered if he ever regretted his sacrifice, and about that time I sat up and looked at my new furniture all put together, just like the picture on the box. I had to smile and know that God did not regret what he suffered for me and for all humanity. He smiles everytime he looks at me and you. Becuase we are on our way to looking like the final image he imagined.

Where did 2008 go?

I was a bit startled when 2008 ended. It had a brutal ending, yet I almost didn't realize it. It snuck out the back door so quietly that I didn't even get to do my annual self analysis. Time really got away from me. But if I had the chance to recap it and note the most memorable moments... this would be it:

• My precious girl began playing the violin.
• She out grew 2 violins and 2 shoe sizes in 12 months, can you say growth spurt?
• I discovered just how important my Spanish was and just how pitiful I sounded... needless to say I took a few courses and have polished up.
• I finished my first short story. I was really pleased with this. :)
• My precious was in her first beauty pagent and was first runner up.
• She did excellent in both her Spring and Winter recitals.
• She obtained scholarships for private school and music school.
• I learned to eat for nourishment and not as a bad habit.
• My baby started losing her teeth! I nearly cried about this.
• I attended my 10 year reunion and survived!
• I learned to eat alone at a restaurant.
• I went on a date with myself.
• I managed to "ruin" my daughter's life 5 times and yet was nominated for the "bestest mother of the world" award.
• I was promoted yet again at my job and despite the economy being what it was, I still got a raise. Yes, God is on my side.

God has always been there and I know he always will. 2009 will be a great year, I have no doubt about that. There are several milestones I will reach that will mark this year as unique and full of accomplishments for my self and my family. I thank God for what he did in 2008 and I look forward to 2009!