Measuring Up

In less than 48 hours I will be turning a year older. The days till I reach 30 years get shorter and I wonder whether I am as far along in life as I should be. I try to define the standard which I am to measure up to? Who sets it? Did I set it all those years ago as I scribbled some fantastical idea of what my life would be in my high school senior yearbook? How far I have come since then and yet just 5 years ago I was halfway to the fantasy... but it was not what I really wanted, it was what someone else wanted for me. How long I lived for someone else; my parents, friends, family, husband... until finally I could not contain someone else's desires as my own. I can recall thinking that if I pleased just one more person other than myself, I would just die. *Sigh* Boy am I glad I figured that part out. It is rather silly, really; to live for someone else. Yet I know I am not alone. I know there are millions of other people who cannot say 'no' to the world around them. I know I am not the only person who has repressed their desires to appease those around them. But I am so relieved I have overcome that challenge, that threat to my happiness. I know that if I was not happy there was no way in hell I could make my daughter happy, much less create a postive, caring enviornment for her. I can honestly say that doing all I did (yes even the divorce) was the best thing I could have done for all parties involved. I can clear my conscience, knowing that what I did prevented me from having a nervous breakdown or worse.

New Year, Same Challenges

So the new year has arrived and with it came the resolutions that we never keep. But as I try to keep 2008 as the year I really change my life, the harder I find it to stay positive. Sure, finances are in order, work is good and school has just begun therefore nothing is due yet. I know the real test will come in March when deadlines are upon me. Will I still be willing to wake up at 5 am to exercise? In May when school is out and I am planning my girl’s birthday bash, will I still find it in by budget to be diligent with my tithing? In all the bustle of the summer with Sid’s wedding, will I still find the time for me and my vacation? Then before you know it, it’s a new academic year, there will be uniforms to buy, supplies to buy, books to order… will I even remember to take myself out for my birthday? Then come the blasted holidays and all the “joy” they bring… will I remember to pray about the real joy? How am I to keep my perspective in order with all the distractions of life? Out of all the spiritual issues I face, this one is the most challenging of all. I have faith, I love God, I believe in the good in all people and I pray for others. What I struggle with is praying for myself. I seem to think that I have it made and therefore not worthy of more blessing. I hate to ask God for the petty things I want when I see the world needs more of his help than me. I know God knows no bounds, but I find it hard to accept that he would look to me to bless when I feel so blessed already. Is there really more that I could or should have? Am I really entitled to more than this? Why do I not feel good enough for more?

Farewell to 2007

As 2007 comes to a close, I breathe a sigh of relief and I thank God for all that he has done for me and through me. I have done many things in this one year, some of which were good and some bad, some filled me joy and others with sorrow. But they were all necessary for me to grow as the person God has intended.

1. I loved again
2. I had my heart broken
3. I moved out on my own
4. I made new friends
5. I quit smoking
6. I was healed of migraines
7. I began attending church more regularly
8. I forgave those who offended me
9. I watched my daughter achieve new milestones
10. I got a dog
11. I sang more
12. I gained weight
13. I cooked more that I ever have in my whole life
14. I got a promotion at work
15. I became part of the school board
16. I extended opportunities to my daughter that I never had.
17. I got new glasses
18. I have a clean bill of health
19. I have a better smile
20. I resisted temptation
    

I am sure this list is vague and could be extended, but then what would I be left to write next year? I am happy at this moment. Even if I am lonely, I am in the best emotional state of my life thus far. 2007 has left its mark like many others before. The difference now is that I choose what I leave behind and what I take with me. I will leave behind the heartache, and carry with me the joys which make me smile; after all I do have such a beautiful smile.