In less than 48 hours I will be turning a year older. The days till I reach 30 years get shorter and I wonder whether I am as far along in life as I should be. I try to define the standard which I am to measure up to? Who sets it? Did I set it all those years ago as I scribbled some fantastical idea of what my life would be in my high school senior yearbook? How far I have come since then and yet just 5 years ago I was halfway to the fantasy... but it was not what I really wanted, it was what someone else wanted for me. How long I lived for someone else; my parents, friends, family, husband... until finally I could not contain someone else's desires as my own. I can recall thinking that if I pleased just one more person other than myself, I would just die. *Sigh* Boy am I glad I figured that part out. It is rather silly, really; to live for someone else. Yet I know I am not alone. I know there are millions of other people who cannot say 'no' to the world around them. I know I am not the only person who has repressed their desires to appease those around them. But I am so relieved I have overcome that challenge, that threat to my happiness. I know that if I was not happy there was no way in hell I could make my daughter happy, much less create a postive, caring enviornment for her. I can honestly say that doing all I did (yes even the divorce) was the best thing I could have done for all parties involved. I can clear my conscience, knowing that what I did prevented me from having a nervous breakdown or worse.
