Christmas Reflection

Thank you for taking the time to check out this blog. This year I have been invited to be a part of the Holiday Blog Tour spearheaded by my long time friend, Icess Fernandez. Please follow along and enjoy the next stop with Icess Fernandez Happy Reading!

Christmas is always a perfect time for reflecting. As I examine this year I am overwhelmed with joy. I can honestly say that I am able to focus on my family and blessings in a way that in the past caused me pain. In my youth, Christmas was often a stark reminder of the many things I did not have; not in the materialistic sense, but rather in the emotional deficits that I experienced. My parents divorced when I was a teen and Christmases after their separation were painful as we were reminded of my father’s absence in our home or being shuttled between families or in some years missing out on them all together.
Then again in my own failed marriage as an adult I had to face the sad inventory of my life all over again during a time that should have been joyful. As a mother I felt responsible for any lack my daughter experienced knowing that in some way I had caused her to not have her father in her life as much as she deserved him to be.

I realize that perhaps I may have been a bit harsh on myself over the years and maybe as I have gotten older (and hopefully wiser) I have found a better way to cope with the losses and appreciate the blessings. In the last 4 years my life has dramatically changed. I went from being a single mom trying to finish college to a second chance at love and finishing graduate school. This Christmas I can see what my sacrifices have paid off and where my faith has been rewarded. I am not the sad person who couldn’t stand Christmas Carols anymore, neither am I broken and bitter with disappointment. I can see hope in the darkness and believe that God can do anything when we surrender to his will. This Christmas I wish to share that hope with you. After all, Christmas is not about the tree, stockings and gifts but rather about remembering the gift of God’s presence with us on earth and the hope that his birth brought to this world.

Measuring Up

In less than 48 hours I will be turning a year older. The days till I reach 30 years get shorter and I wonder whether I am as far along in life as I should be. I try to define the standard which I am to measure up to? Who sets it? Did I set it all those years ago as I scribbled some fantastical idea of what my life would be in my high school senior yearbook? How far I have come since then and yet just 5 years ago I was halfway to the fantasy... but it was not what I really wanted, it was what someone else wanted for me. How long I lived for someone else; my parents, friends, family, husband... until finally I could not contain someone else's desires as my own. I can recall thinking that if I pleased just one more person other than myself, I would just die. *Sigh* Boy am I glad I figured that part out. It is rather silly, really; to live for someone else. Yet I know I am not alone. I know there are millions of other people who cannot say 'no' to the world around them. I know I am not the only person who has repressed their desires to appease those around them. But I am so relieved I have overcome that challenge, that threat to my happiness. I know that if I was not happy there was no way in hell I could make my daughter happy, much less create a postive, caring enviornment for her. I can honestly say that doing all I did (yes even the divorce) was the best thing I could have done for all parties involved. I can clear my conscience, knowing that what I did prevented me from having a nervous breakdown or worse.